Labyrinth: Rewritten
by LaLaFaery
Summary: Refer to title. J/S, clearly.
1. The Owl, The Park, and Sarah

_Sarah sounded like such a brat in the movie, so I decided to rewrite the story... added a little bit here and there... and I made Jareth younger because he looks old enough to be her FATHER in the movie..._

_Disclaimer- I obviously do not in any possible way shape or form own 'Labyrinth'. _

Labyrinth: Rewritten

As I stumbled unceremoniously through the park trees for the third time that week, I wondered yet again why I was tromping through a frog infested park, wearing a homemade princess dress and converse sneakers. And no, as I had repeatedly told the small children on the playground, I was most decidedly not an escapee from an insane asylum. Rather, I was attempting to practice my part for the upcoming school play I was in. Note the word 'attempting'.

Then, after narrowly avoiding a startled jogger and her dog, I squeezed in between two closely spaced trees, and struggled into a small clearing… and promptly fell over. I heard a soft cooing from above my head. I flipped over onto my back, and found myself staring up into the golden eyes of an owl. I blinked. The owl blinked. I smiled slowly.

"Ah ha! I have found the Goblin King!" I raised my arms toward the owl, who looked mildly surprised.

"Goblin King, give me the child." I declared theatrically, whilst standing up and brushing caked mud off my skirts. "Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle far beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child that you have stolen." I paused dramatically. "For my will… is as strong as yours…." I screwed up my face in concentration, "… and… and… dang the butterscotch!" I swore. "I can never remember that line. Why do we even have that line?" I muttered to myself as I yanked the script out of my pocket. Suddenly, my phone began vibrating in my back pocket. I flipped it out, and checked the caller ID. Oh lordy. Karen. It was never a good sign when she called me.

"Hello?" I said tentatively as I stuck it next to my ear.

"Sarah, where are you? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago!" My stepmother's voice shrieked from the other end. I snapped the phone shut, and double checked the time. Oh lordy. She was right, and I was so dead. Hiking up my skirts, I turned around and raced out of the park.

_What do you think? Should I keep going? REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!_


	2. Family Feud

_Terribly sorry that this took so long, but I was away for a week, and had absolutely NO access to a computer what-so-ever..._

After narrowly avoiding my elderly neighbor and her pet parakeet, I tumbled into my house and slammed the door shut behind me. Whilst somehow managing to trip over a small dust particle. Which was quite odd, frankly… Our humble abode was usually cleaner than that…

My observation on the cleanliness of our house was abruptly interrupted by an annoying tapping noise. From my clear vantage point on the floor, I saw the purple torture instrument more commonly referred to as a 'high heel' beating away on the poor, abused hard wood flooring. I looked up.

"Uh, hi Karen?" I managed a weak smile. She glared at me, and I practiced my innocent-cute-kitten face.

"Is something wrong?" I asked ingenuously as I stood up, and tripped over that infuriatingly annoying dust particle again.

"You're late." She snarled. I pretended to be confused.

"I'm a latte?"

"Nice try. You're grounded."

I swore under my breath, and then attempted to stand up again. Note 'attempted'. Bloody princess dress.

Karen's eyebrows drew together as she observed my ineptness.

"Why were you late?" She asked as I finally succeeded in standing up.

"I was… meandering." I proclaimed dramatically as I swept down the hallway, and up to the stairs. Just before I reached the safety of my bedroom, my father wandered out of a spare room, and keenly observed that I hadn't been eaten by tigers on my way home.

"Sarah, you're twenty minutes late."

"We've already established that, Henry." Karen snapped from the ground floor.

"I'm sorry." I said, after Karen had rudely finished interrupting me. She gave me a dirty look, and decided it was time to start lecturing.

"Sarah, you're father and I never go out…"

I rolled my eyes.

"What about last weekend?" I asked, leaning over the railing. Karen glared daggers at me.

"Last weekend was different."

"And the weekend before that?" I inquired, my voice lilting.

"I _always_ ask you if you have plans before I have you baby-sit!" Karen argued feebly.

I rolled my eyes again.

"It's not like I _force_ you to baby-sit your brother!" Karen protested angrily.

Wow, I was really getting good at this whole eye rolling thing. Unfortunately, Karen didn't agree with me, and she pouted.

"Fine, be that way. Henry, I'm going to go wait in the car." She turned and flung open the door, slamming it on the way out.

My father sighed. I looked over at him.

"I overdid it this time, didn't I?" I asked dryly.

He nodded.

"Sarah, you at least have to try to give her a chance to be your mother…"

"She's not my mother." I said coldly.

"Sarah…"

"She's not my mother."

I turned, and walked down to my room, and slammed the door behind me.

_Hey, sorry if Sarah sounded a little bratty this chapter, but she's only human, and a teenager at that... And now you know why she's like that. Hopefully, if you were **paying attention**, you will know why. If you do, I will give you a pet goldfish to love, and to keep, and to call Bob..._


	3. The Mentality of a Six Year Old

Stomping into my room, I yanked the torn princess dress off, and flung it onto the messy floor. Grabbing a shirt and vest off a pile of chaotically organized clothes, I made a speedy retreat to my bed just before my short-lived pout was interrupted.

"Sarah?" Someone knocked on the door.

"Yes, oh father mine?"

"We've fed Toby and put him to bed."

"Okay."

"…"

"..."

"Sarah? Are you still there?"

"Unfortunately." I muttered. My father sighed loudly.

"We'll be back around midnight." He said.

"Okay, go have fun!" I said as cheerily as one can manage when one feels as if one is acting like an immature six-year-old. And I probably was.

_Yah. Terribly short chapter filled with writers block. Sorry. I felt like I just had to get something up... Review, and I'll send my imaginary friend, Pan Godfellow, to bring you that goldfish to love, and to keep, and to call Bob..._


	4. Story Time

The front door slammed as my dad left, echoing through the still house. I sighed, and flopped on my bed. So… I had five hours to myself. What to do now?

With no better plan, I decided I should probably put some pants on before I scared the neighbors. I struggled to pull them over my knees whilst lying down. Failing miserably at that, I stood up, and hopped around my room, continuing to wage a battle against the dreaded skinny jeans. Just as I succeeded in yanking them over my waist, an abrupt howling filled the house. I shrieked and fell over.

"Toby." I sighed, the name muffled by the sock that had somehow lodged itself in my mouth. I spat it out. Yuck. When was the last time I had washed that thing? The howling increased in volume.

"Alright, Toby, love. I'm coming already!" I cried over the shrill wails. I clambered over a particularly large pile of clothing, and tumbled out into the hallway. Making my way gracefully down the hallway to the nursery, I ran into a doorframe. I swore, and staggered into the room. Toby, red in the face from crying, stared mournfully at me from his crib. I sighed.

"Okay, Toby, what do you want?" I put my hands on my hips. Toby stared at me. And stared. And stared. And stared. And…

"Oookay, then." I rubbed my hands together. "How about a story?" Toby blinked.

"I'll take that as a yes."

I walked over to the crib and picked him up.

_"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl whose stepmother always made her stay home with the baby."_ I paused. Toby blinked expectantly at me. "_The baby was a spoiled child."_ Toby looked rather hurt by that. I hastened on. "_He wanted everything for himself, and the girl was practically a slave. But what no one knew was that the Goblin King had fallen in love with her and had given her certain powers."_ I paused for dramatic effect. _"One night,"_ I continued in a hushed voice, _"when the baby had been particularly cruel to her, she asked the goblins for help. '"Say the right words," the goblins said, '"and we'll take the baby to the goblin city, and you will be free.'"_ I smiled evilly. Toby looked a little worried. I winked at him. "_But the girl knew the King of the Goblins would keep the baby in his castle forever and ever, and turn it into a goblin. So, she suffered in silence until one night, when she was tired from doing housework, and hurt by the harsh words of her stepmother, and she could no longer stand it." _

Toby started crying.

"Toby, you know I didn't mean any of it." I sighed. I leaned down and looked him in the eye.

"How would you like to see a goblin?" I asked. Toby's crying lessened. He sniffled.

"I wished the goblins would come take you away right now!" I cried theatrically. Toby looked around expectantly at the goblin-less room. No one appeared out of thin air. No goblins popped out from behind a cupboard. Toby screwed up his face for another crying fit. I groaned.

"Sometimes I wish that the goblins really would come take you away."

And then the lights went out.

_Good Lawrence. I can't believe I spent a whole paragraph on how Sarah was trying to pull her pants on. Ugh. Anyways, terribly sorry it took so long. I can't say what happened. I blame Pan, though... Pan shifts nervously. And for those of you who don't know it... Pan is my imaginary friend. Uh, one of my only friends, actually... Say 'hi' to the nice people, Pan! Pan waves. Well, that's all for now... except Larry the Zucchini would really like to go to a nice home, and I'll give her (free!!!) to the first person who reviews! I know who've all always wanted a pet zucchini... so, review!!!!!!!_


	5. Witty Banter

_And then the lights went out._

"Not another power outage." I groaned unhappily.

Toby, also deciding to express his irritation with the absence of light, began screaming at a volume which would rival that of a tornado siren. I rocked him back and forth in my arms absent-mindedly while trying to remember where Karen kept the matches.

"I can't remember… Are they behind the coffee mugs, or the wine glasses?" I mused out loud, as I laid a discontented Toby in his crib. "Or are they in the cupboard?"

"I believe they're kept under the sink, actually." A silky voice purred from behind me. I spun around, and almost toppled over. Leaning casually against the window sill was a seemingly teenaged boy with blond hair tied back messily in a ponytail. He was dressed in very tight skinny jeans with black riding boots, as I couldn't _help _but notice, and fingerless hobo gloves. He held himself with a regal smugness that suggested that I was an idiot.

I scowled at him.

"Who are you, and how'd you get in here?!" I demanded.

He smirked at me, and began toying with a crystal ball, rotating the smooth glass 'twixt his slim fingers. It was only then that I noticed that his ears were pointed, and that a delicate gold crown sat skewered atop his messily drawn hair. My eyes widened in surprise, and my mouth fell open. He stared at me, bemused.

"Shut your mouth, Sarah. You look like a fish."

I closed my mouth with a snap.

"You're the Goblin King, aren't you?" I asked slowly. He just smiled haughtily. A thought niggled at the back of my mind.

"Oh shit!"

I spun around, grasping the edge of Toby's cradle. I leaned over the side, and peered down at the mussed sheets. Toby was gone. I turned back to the Goblin King.

"Where's Toby?" I spat angrily.

"You know very well where he is."

"May I please have him back? Please?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"What's said is said."

I looked at him quizzically.

"You know… that doesn't really make sense."

He shrugged.

"I'm a king. I always make sense."

I snorted. The Goblin King looked disgruntled.

"You could try asking politely." He suggested.

"What?"

"You… could… try… asking… politely." He repeated slowly. There was another silence. He looked at me expectantly. I sighed unhappily.

"Oh Great Goblin King…"

"Call me Jareth."

I pouted.

"Fine. Oh Great Jareth, could I please have my brother back?"

He smiled, showing small, pointy teeth.

"Go back to your room, Sarah." He stalked menacingly towards me. "Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the baby."

I blinked at him in disbelief.

"He's my brother, you idjit! Like I'd really forget about him!"

Jareth smiled indulgently at me.

"I've brought you a gift."

"Oh, is it shiny?" I asked sarcastically. Jareth rolled his eyes, and pulled a small crystal out of his pocket.

"It's a crystal."

"No, really?" I widened my eyes in mock surprise. Jareth ignored me.

"It's a crystal, nothing more. But if you turn it this way, and look into it, it will show you your dreams."

"Oh, how _fascinating_."

Jareth looked annoyed.

"Do you want it?" He held it in front of my face. The crystal glimmered softly, beckoning, beckoning. I slapped it out of his hand, and it fell to the floor, vanishing just before it hit the carpet.

"No thank you. I want my brother back." I said. Jareth was looking quite vexed by now.

"Sarah. Don't defy me." Jareth's face grew stormy, and his eyes flashed angrily. The wind howled outside, and the trees thrashed against the window, threatening to break the glass. I shrank back against the wall as fat raindrops beat a heavy cadence on the pane. Jareth scowled at me, and muttered something to himself. Suddenly, the room melted away, and we found ourselves standing on a tall hill, overlooking a stone Labyrinth that stretched out as far as the eye could see.

"You're no match for me."

I jolted in surprise, and nearly fell over. I had forgotten that Jareth was behind me.

"He's there in my castle." Jareth whispered tantalizingly into my ear. "Do you still wish to look for him?"

I sighed.

"Why do you even ask me these kinds of things?"

Jareth spun me around, and we glared at each other.

"Turn back, Sarah. Turn back while you still can."

I cocked my eyebrow.

"It's already too late for that."

He shrugged.

"It's your funeral, then."

_I'm so terribly sorry this took so long to post - I was away on vacation for a week and a half with virtually no access to a computer. And then when I got back, I had to have surgery... seriously. I'm writhing in pain right now. It feels like there's a hole in my chest that emits a dull ache. Ouch. Anyways... review!_


	6. And Yet More Banter

His eyes smoldered as he waved a hand carelessly. A clock faded into sight, and hung in midair at eye-height. Pretty wood carvings inlayed the frame – wood nymphs, flowers, and such. I stifled a chuckle. I hadn't pictured Jareth as being quite so _dainty. _The Goblin King followed my mirthful gaze. He scowled, and attempted to maintain his few shreds of dignity by tossing his head arrogantly.

"You have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth." He said stiffly. I smiled, and cocked my head innocently.

"It doesn't look _that_ far." I said, purposely antagonizing him. He narrowed his eyes.

"It's further than you think."

"Uh huh. Okay, then."

"And if you do not complete the Labyrinth in time… your brother becomes one of us. Forever."

I flung out my arms in exasperation.

"_Now_ you tell me."

The Goblin King looked confused. I smiled slyly.

"If I had known that _before_, I would have wished him away a long time ago."

Jareth smacked himself on the forehead. He began muttering furiously about how goblins are horrible influences on small children, and turned to stalk down the hill. My mouth dropped open in horror. Oh _frack_. He had believed me. I chased after him hurriedly.

"I was being sarcastic." I volunteered, trotting behind him. He stopped suddenly, and I ran into him. Yum, he smelled nice … like… detergent. The Goblin King whirled around, interrupting my pleasant discovery, his eyes smoldering angrily.

"Well, then." He said coolly. I winced. He was really mad now.

"Twelve hours." He said, turning away. My mouth dropped open.

"What?!" I gasped. Jareth spun back to face me, a look of disgust printed across his face.

"You have twelve hours to finish the Labyrinth." He said through clenched teeth. I gaped at him.

"What happened to thirteen?" I choked.

"Twelve. No more." He said smugly. I groaned internally. His sneer widened, and he began to fade into nothing while his fanged smirk remained. My eyes widened in surprise.

"Impressive..." I murmured as I watched him disappear. "Or at least, it would be if you were the Cheshire Cat…"

If the Goblin King heard me, he didn't show it. He had vanished, leaving an empty space in the air. I waited for a moment for him to reappear, and when he didn't, sighed, and turned to the Labyrinth.

"Well… it doesn't look _that_ hard…" I tried to convince myself optimistically.

"Yeah, right." My subconscious responded, pouting unhappily. I glared at it.

"Shut up." I said. It snickered.

"I'm not the one talking to myself…"

"True." I said thoughtfully, before making sure my subconscious was firmly duck-taped to a rubber ducky, and then tossed out to sea. And so, freed of imaginary conversations, I skipped off merrily towards the Labyrinth. Or, at least, as merrily as one can skip when one's feet are devoid of footwear…

* * *

In his castle, the Goblin King stared into the crystal image of Sarah. He smiled mischievously.

"Interesting…" He murmured to himself. "Interesting…"

_Um, yes well... it took me a while, and it's a short chapter. I'm terribly sorry. Please don't kill me... or worse, take away my computer!_


	7. Hogwarts

"Dum da deed um da doo. Ouch. Du duuum. Stupid rock. Ouch. Effing twig. Ouch! Stupid effing sharp rock-twig hybrid!"

Trust me, that hill was _sharp_. Any other person would have been swearing like a drunken sailor who's been denied his ale. I, on the other hand, had the grace and the wit to… frack! I stumbled on someone, and fell over. Shit… I mean, oops. I sat up, rubbing my head. Entangled in my legs was an odd little man, wearing a multitude of rags and swearing like aforementioned sailor.

"Excuse me?" I ventured tentatively. The small man looked up at me and scowled.

"Oh no, no, no. Excuse _me_." He snarled.

"Um… I'm sorry I tripped over you…?" I said hesitantly.

"You should be! You runners think you could watch where you're going, but no!" He shouted, drawing out the last vowel. He turned to stalk off. I scrambled up after him.

"But I am sorry, truly, I am, sir."

"Hoggle."

"Beg pardon?"

"The name's Hoggle!"

"Oh. Sorry, Mr. Hoggle."

"Just Hoggle!"

"Oh." I paused, watching his retreating back grow farther away, when a thought struck me.

"Can you help me get through the Labyrinth?" I shouted after him.

"Hmph!" He made a rude hand gesture.

I took that to mean 'no'.

"Could you at least show me where the door to the Labyrinth is?" I called again, more desperately. Hoggle stopped and turned around.

"Maybe… what's in it for me if I do?"

"The good feeling you get when you assist someone in need…?" I guessed, shrugging helplessly.

Hoggle rolled his eyes, looking unconvinced, and yanked a tree branch up from the ground. I shrieked as the ground beneath me immediately gave way, and dropping me into a giant underground tunnel. I landed with a thud on the floor.

"Ouch. That hurt." I muttered, wincing as a particularly large rock landed on my foot.

"Now, would you go left or right?" A voice called from above.

"Huh?" I looked up, squinting.

Hoggle leered down at me as he leaned over the top of the hole.

"I said, would you go left, or right?" His voice echoed eerily in the shaft.

"Um…" I glanced down the passage. Aside from the recently formed hole, which let a small portion of sunlight in, the only other luminosity in the tunnel came from the flickering torches which hung crookedly on the walls. The corridors were lined with large, uneven stones, and an occasional tree root jutted out from the ceiling. Both of the passages seemed deserted, aside from the occasional bug that scurried across the floor. I peered back up at Hoggle.

"They both look the same."

Hoggle sneered.

"You're not going to get very far, then, now are you?" He replied nastily.

"Well, which way would you go?" I asked him shortly.

"Me?" He snorted. "I wouldn't go either way."

I sighed, and glanced back down the tunnels. I stood up, and wiped my hands off on my jeans. Something scurried across my bruised feet, and I shuddered. Taking a deep breath, I began walking tentatively down the left corridor, watching out for sharp pointy objects that might have imbedded themselves in the floor.

"Even if you reach the center, you'll never get out again." Hoggle yelled after me, and I stopped suddenly. He chuckled darkly, and the shadows flickered on the passage walls.

"That's your opinion." I shouted back to him, and kept walking.

"It's much better than yours!" He scoffed, clearly enjoying the argument.

"Thanks, Hogwart."

"It's _Hoggle_, insipid child!"

I pursed my lips, and ignored him, walking further down the tunnel.

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you…"

**Yes, well. I _am_ sorry that it's been two months since I've updated this story. It's been chaotic, really, it has. Relatives, finals, wacky children... it's been a mess. Truly. Please put the pitchforks down... here, you can have HIM! **

**thrusts a displeased Jareth at mob**

**waves a cheerful goodbye**

**And don't forget to review!**


	8. Curiouser, and Curiouser

The tunnel stretched on… and on… and on, and on, and on. And on. This was so clearly _not_ a Labyrinth. The dictionary definition clearly stated that a Labyrinth was_ 'a place in which it would be easy to become lost'. _And I was _not_ lost. How could I be? The corridor just kept going on and on, and on… hmph. This was going to be a _very_ long, horrid walk. And I had failed to bring shoes. Hans effing Christian Anderson…

"Ouch!" I stumbled over a protruding rock. Massaging the offended toe, I leaned against the wall.

"'Allo." Someone said from somewhere near my elbow.

I shrieked, and fell over.

"Allo."

I turned my head. A curious little blue worm wearing a stripped scarf stared critically down at me from near where I'd been standing moments before.

"Did you say hello?" I asked slowly. Yep. That's me. The intelligent one.

"No, I said 'allo, but that's close enough." The worm chirped cheerfully.

I blinked.

"You're a worm, aren't you?"

"Well, I'm 'arldy a cucumber, now 'm I?"

Okay, then.

"You wouldn't happen to know the way through the Labyrinth, would you?"

"No, I'm jest a worm." The worm said sarcastically.

"Oh." That seemed like an adequate response.

The worm brightened up visibly after a moment of awkward silence.

"Would ye care to come inside and meet the missus?"

"No, thank you. I'm sorry, but I have to solve this Labyrinth thingy rather soon."

I sighed.

"But there don't seem to be any turns or openings. It just keeps going on… and on… and on…"

"It's _full_ of openings." The worm mumbled grumpily, interrupting my long-winded rant. "Ye just ain't seen' 'em."

"Where?" I was rather curious now.

"There's one right in front of ye."

I stood up, glancing to both sides. The walls were just as they always had been.

"No, there isn't." I frowned belligerently.

"Are ye sure ye wouldn't care to come inside and have some tea?" The worm asked hopefully.

"But there isn't an opening!" I protested, ignoring the invitation.

The worm sighed exasperatedly.

"'Course there is."

I looked at him expectantly.

"Try walkin' through it." He suggested grumpily.

"It's a wall."

"Yes."

"And I'm supposed to walk through it?"

"Yes."

"But it's a wall!"

"Yer point being…?"

"It's a wall."

"_Jest try it_!"

You know, I think I might have been beginning to annoy him.

I shrugged, and walked towards the wall. And ran into it.

"Ow." I moaned, rubbing my nose.

"The other wall, ye insipid child!"

That sounded vaguely familiar.

I tried the other wall, and passed through it without maiming myself.

"Yah!" I squealed, clapping my hands gleefully.

"Oi! 'Ang on!" The worm shrieked after me. "Don't go that way!"

"Wha'?"

"_Neve_r go that way." He scolded sternly.

"Oh, thanks!" I chirped, and skipped off down the other way, failing to hear the worm mutter,

"If she 'ad kept on going down _that_ way, she'd 'ave gone straigh' to that castle."

Ah, the irony.


	9. Dance, Magic Dance

I trotted cheerfully down the new tunnel, completely oblivious to the fact that I was going the wrong way. The path was beginning to slope uphill, and the cobblestones were becoming more orderly. Noticing what I hoped was a light up ahead, I smiled happily, and began walking faster. Turning the corner, I ran headlong into a giant crystal ball. I fell over for the x's-time in a matter of minutes, and groaned, frustrated. Ignoring my bruising back, I stared up at the crystal, my eyes wide in horror. Jareth smirked down at me, bouncing a tearful Toby in his arms.

"Why, _hello_ Sarah." He sneered.

I blinked at him.

Jareth shifted Toby to his other arm.

"I thought now would be a good moment for the half-time show, don't you think?" Jareth smiled innocently.

I blinked again.

"Good. I'm glad we're in agreement." His smile grew, revealing a pair of fanged teeth. Turning, he gestured to a blurred figure in the background. Several music chords drifted thorough the air, and Jareth winked at me. He bent over Toby, and began whispering to him. Straightening up, he waved his hand majestically, and a horde of goblins appeared behind him.

"You remind me of the babe." Jareth crooned seductively. A furry goblin looked up at him confusedly.

"What babe?"

Jareth glared at him.

"The babe with the power."

As if that were _obvious_, really.

"What power?"

Jareth ran a hand exasperatedly through his hair.

"The power of voodoo."

"Who do?" I chirped curiously.

Jareth raised his eyebrow disapprovingly at me. The other goblins simply looked confused.

"You do!" I pointed at Toby, who giggled happily. Jareth looked vaguely amused.

Wait. Jareth was holding Toby… and while I'd pointed to Toby… one could also see how I might have accidentally pointed to the Goblin King as well… implying that I was taken in by his seductively tight pants…

Oh, dear.

"Um… I was talking to Toby?" I volunteered.

The Goblin King gave me The Look.

"Dude! It's not _my_ fault you're the one holding him! And it's most definitely not _my_ fault he looks like he was about to cry, and that _you_ were most certainly not cheering him up, _so get all those pervy ideas out of your head!" _

Dammit. I really need to work on forming coherent sentences under pressure.


	10. Spiders

Jareth just laughed. Q_uite_ evil if I might add. He's evil, I tell you, _evil_! No, we mustn't forget that rather important adjective, adverb… thingy; because, in case you hadn't noticed… he's _evil_! Again, with rambling sentences…

"It's all right, Sarah…" Jareth leaned forward, interrupting my long-winded, mental rant, "I prefer _goblin_ babes, anyways…"

I gaped at him.

"You're…. you're…. _evil_!"

Brilliant job, Sarah. It's not like we _just_ established that….

"Wonderfully put, if I do say so myself," Jareth said, agreeably nodding his head.

Stupid Goblin King. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

"Sarah?"

"Hmm?" I blinked unfocusedly at him.

Jareth smirked at me.

"See you at the castle," He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and the giant bubble vanished.

"Stupid, stupid, _stupid _Goblin King!" I climbed to my feet. I brushed myself off, _yet again_, and turned to walk down the corridor that had previously been blocked by that stupid eejit Jareth, and his fancy-schmancy entourage… as well as those…. shmexy pants that took his masculinity out of question…

"Agh! No!" I screamed, throwing myself at the nearest wall. "I did not just think that!" I proceeded to smash my head repeatedly against said wall. This continued for several minutes, until I began to hear voices.

"Blimey, how long d'you think she'll keep this up?"

"Oh, I reckon another minut' or so…"

I stumbled dizzily away from the wall.

"It's not fair!" I groaned, "Now, as well as being seduced a Goblin King in tight pants, I'm also losing my mind! Losing my mind! It's not _fair_!"

"'Cor, she's right 'bout that one!" One of the voices continued. "It's not fair!"

"'Course," grumbled the other one, "tha's only half of it…"

They both sniggering.

I turned around, rubbing at the red spot on my forehead. Before me were two, squatting blue doors made of paneled wood; both ending approximately a foot below my neck, each as wide as I was tall. Both doors had a quaint bronze handle, each engraved with a grotesque face that leered nastily at me. I sighed.

"And now I'm hallucinating as well…."

The faces on the doorknobs looked at each other.

"I'm not a bloody figmen' of _her_ i_ma_gi_na_tion." The left one chortled.

"I'm fairly certain this was a dead end a minute ago," I said, waving a finger back and forth between the two doors, ignoring the insult.

The right one harrumphed.

"No, _that_'_s_ the dead end behin' you."

I turned around. There, where there had _indeed_ been a tunnel had been only moments before, was now a solid brick wall.

"Oh," I blinked, "it changed again."

"Try one of these doors," the right knob suggested. I gaped at him.

"Someone's helping me…?" I gasped in surprise.

The left doorknob snorted.

"Hmph. One of the doors leads to the castle--" here he was interrupted by the right doorknob.

"And the other one leads to—"

"Certain _doom_!"

They both cackled menacingly.

"Right, then," I rubbed my hands together, "which one's which?"

They both snorted, and looked smugly at one another.

"We can't 'ell you." The right one said snottily.

I cocked my head reproachfully.

"Why not?"

"Uh… I, uh…"

"We, ah…"

"We don't kno'…" the right one admitted finally.

"Oh." I blinked at them expectantly.

"You can ask _one_ of us…" The left one blinked rather sheepishly. "'s in the rules-"

The other doorknob butted in.

"One of us always tells the truth… and the other one of us always lies." He motioned towards his brass companion. "He always lies."

"I do blood' well no'! I tell the truth!"

"Oh, ho, ho! What a lie!"

"_He's_ the liar!"

"'s a lie!"

Okay, then.

I turned to the one on the left.

"Right. Answer yes or no… would he," I gestured to the other door, "tell me that this door leads to the castle?"

The doorknobs looked at each other nervously.

"Uh…"

"What do you think?"

"Ah…"

"Yes?"

"Yes."

They turned to me.

"Yes".

"Ah ha!" I cried, clapping my hands together, "Then the other door leads to the castle, and this door leads to certain death!"

The doorknobs stared at me in a bored manner.

"'e could be 'elling the truth." The right one mumbled.

I blinked.

"But… then_ you_ wouldn't be." I bit my lip in confusion, "so if you said he said yes, the answer is no."

"But I could be telling the truth."

"Then _he'd_ be lying."

"Your point?"

"The answer would still be no!"

The doorknobs glanced at each other, and then sighed in unison.

"I don' know 'ow she came to that conclusion…" the right one murmured, and his contemporary shook his head mournfully.

"No! That's right!" I protested.

He rolled his eyes.

"Then go ahead in," he said, and the door swung open to reveal a dark passageway. I eyed it suspiciously.

"I just saw a spider. Are you sure it's safe? No like, giant spiders from like, _Lord of the Rings_, right? 'Cause I_ really_ don't like spiders, even small ones, maybe even especially small ones, because, there was this one time-"

"Are you going to go in, or not?" The doorknob interpreted, annoyed. "I have better things to do than listen to a pointless story about spiders-"

The other doorknob gulped.

"I've told you before, I hate it when you mention spiders, now could we please hurry it along?" It whispered anxiously.

The other doorknob groaned.

"It's so stupid, I've told you before, you, my friend, are a doorknob. You don't need to be afraid of spiders, you're made of brass, for Pete's sake…"

Ignoring their bantering, I stepped cautiously forward. Taking a deep breath, I began inching forward into the tunnel. And then promptly tumbled into a black abyss that I had somehow failed to notice.

Oops.

_Yes, I realize that it's been a couple weeks (ahem, months) since I updated this. For that, I am eternally sorry. *tosses out miniature Jareth figurines with flexible biceps*. Have fun._


	11. The Helping Hands

"Ah!"

"Umph!"

"Uck!"

"Oh!"

Ah, yes. That would be me. Falling. Gracefully, I might add. Down a dark. Dank. Hole. Now, I have absolutely nothing against holes. Really. Most of the time, holes and I, we get along just fine. In a general sense, that is. Now, it's totally different matter when there are decaying green hands on the walls of said hole. Not to mention that the aforementioned hands happen to be slightly perverted and/or sexually deprived. I'll leave the details to your imagination. Needless to say, my trip down the hole was not a pleasant one.

"Stop touching meeeeeeeeeeeee!" Yes, that would be me, again. Ah, that famous battle cry of hormonal teenaged girls everywhere. I find it to be quite imperative in day to day situations, actually.

"Help! I'm being assaulted by freaky, perverted hands!" Okay, honestly, I don't use that line _quite_ as much. As I am unable to think of a good connecting sentence at the moment, I'll just say that I was _not_ a happy camper, even before the hands started talking to me. Oh, no, _they didn't_! Oh, yes, they did.

"What do you mean, "help"? A particularly nasty one snickered to my left, grabbing my arm. I dangled in the air, before being hoisted up by numerous other hands.

"We are helping." The hands murmured in unison.

"Stop touching me!" I attempted to slap at a hand that was slowly sliding up under my shirt. The hand slapped back, leaving a red mark on my exposed stomach. "Ow! You're hurting me!" I whined.

The hands pouted.

"You started it," they protested, somehow managing to pout in unison, before abruptly changing the topic, "Would you like us to let you go, then?"

I gasped.

"You wouldn't." I narrowed my eyes.

The hands snickered.

"Oh, yes, we would. Up… or down?"

The obvious answer being…

"Up." With my luck, I'd probably end up in a rat infested dungeon if I continued downwards.

The hands sneered at me.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" They jeered.

"Yes?" I ventured a guess to the possibly hypothetical question.

"Wrong!" They laughed. "You wouldn't like that at all!"

And then they dropped me.

And, _surprisingly _enough, I continued falling.


End file.
